


(still) life with (you) in the middle

by slaughterhouse



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Letters, Light Angst, M/M, Post-breakup, Voicemail, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27225457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slaughterhouse/pseuds/slaughterhouse
Summary: i'm not saying all of this because i want you to come back to me. maybe it's the opposite of that. because i know you wouldn't be able to love me in the same way you used to claim you did. because i know you wouldn't be able to talk about anything else.love is never easy. falling apart is never easy.
Relationships: Implied/Referenced Miya Atsumu/Kita Shinsuke, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	(still) life with (you) in the middle

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on another platform and decided to post it here as well because I thought it would fit SakuAtsu. :)

hello, [miya atsumu], i wanted to leave a voicemail because i just wanted to let you know that i haven't forgotten how your hands feel. or how your mouth tasted like the first rice of the new season. like tuna from the can, salted all over, like a fresh sheet of nori, like sesame seeds. or how your body felt like the first blessing of the month of october. like the last miracle of my life here on earth.

it's been a year and i thought i've told you that i love you but i hadn't. i thought i've told you i couldn't forget you but i hadn't. so news flash: i'm in love with you. but i didn't want you to know at first. because i knew my love for you will never be groundbreaking and i knew you will never care enough for me to be able to justify the ache i feel in my throat, its claws finding its way around my neck, choking the words out of me until my tears come out dry, my teeth spitting blood into the kitchen sink. your girlfriend will have to wash it off the next time she comes over, but will she last? or was it a boyfriend? was it your senior from high school, the one osamu always said you were mooning over? was it kita-san, beautiful kita-san, with his gray hair and sharp eyes? is he like the others or will he last? i don't know anything about you. i don't think i want to know.

i know that my love is omnipotent, that my love is more powerful than i have ever been. it's a separate entity from my body, greater than the sum of my parts even on its own. it's whole, it's jagged all over, and the broken entirety of it frightens me. my love will sink its fangs down my neck but it will never tell you anything about me. because you don't know and you don't care enough to know. i don't know anything at all but i'm trying, i'm trying so hard to make it seem like i can understand what you're doing inside my guts, your hands, stubborn yet graceful, rough yet careful, trying to rearrange my intestines into a burial of your body.

i'm always this way, after all. i've always been like this and you know it. everyone can see it, because i have always prided myself in being transparent. because i have always presented myself as a mirror, as a vessel. i don't know what it's like to be anything but truthful, so i'm trying to tell you, so i'm trying to show you how you can choke my feelings out of the back of my throat, so i'm trying. i'm trying to be as truthful as i can but it's hard getting you to listen. it's hard getting someone to listen to me when all they have ever known was how to speak. it's hard getting you to stop and hear me out.

see, truthfully enough, everything disgusts me. and people say i'm stuck-up and they say i'm too much of a dick, my mouth pulled into a straight line and my back slouched like a cat and my body whisked into a window of carefully calculated indifference, and they say i'm not going to last in the world if i keep acting like every little thing was out to get me, out to bite me. maybe the world really is out to bite me, a line of teeth nipping on my jaw, pulling my skin taut before they can wipe their hands clean of blood, washing their sins down with it. dead dogs can't run away. i don't want to run away if death feels more like sanctuary. maybe the world can be cruel. and maybe the world couldn't care any less.

and see, truthfully enough, and you know this as well as me, but everything about you disgusts me. i knew i hated you the first time i saw you and everything went bright. the place had its lights off, the space packed, but you were out there, your face shining in the light. i saw you and felt like i was lava, molten all over. i didn't know i had a thing for golden hair and golden smiles and golden boys. not until the first time i saw you. not until the first time i felt like staying in the sunlight was okay. because you made it, this sunshine of yours, look okay to want. because you made it feel okay to touch.

everything about you disgusts me but the first time you tried to pull away from me because you didn't want to see my face when i flinch from your touch because it's almost instinctual for me, i knew i wanted you. i knew i wanted to feel you laughing against my mouth, your lips red, carmine, your nimble fingers tugging their way through dark curls, the touch light, the feeling foreign. i knew i wanted to taste your smile, your eyes bright like gold, foliated, your hands melting on top of my skin, our bodies metamorphosed unto each other. i knew i wanted you to bite me, bite down unto the ghastly skin of my neck, until you draw blood, my blood—your blood painting my pallor gold and green and maroon all over.

i knew i wanted you to be the one to bite me and rip me apart because my body ached all over whenever you looked at me. everything about the world disgusts me but maybe you're the first thing inside it that i don't ever want to go, the first thing inside it that i don't want to look away from. because you used to be nothing to me but the things that i never wanted to look at for too long, the things that i never wanted to touch me. you used to be mayonnaise bottles stored in the bottom of the fridge, half-empty tubes of shaving cream with thelittle cap left open as it stands in front of the bathroom mirror, standing in the sunlight for too long without two layers of sunscreen on. you were all of the things that i never allowed myself to want. at least, not too much.

so i let you in. now you were comfort. now you were rice balls, minced tuna and spring onion, with salt to taste, its filling cooked to perfection. you were warm all over and filled with love, passed from hand to hand to hand. i never knew what it was like to be filled with so much love that i couldn't breathe. but i knew i wanted it. but i knew i wanted that. because you were love. because you were love that isn't broken down for someone else. you loved purely and you loved deeply. i wanted to feel the same. i wanted to know what it's like to love other people without looking for something else. i wanted to know what it's like to love other people without wanting to pull away. now you were a moment of peace. i didn't want any of it to end. but peace is fleeting, transitional.

i'm not saying all of this because i want you to come back to me. maybe it's the opposite of that. because i know you wouldn't be able to love me in the same way you used to claim you did. because i know you wouldn't be able to talk about anything else. because i wanted you to love me in my enormity, in my entirety, so that i may love you until the end of eternity, and even until then. until the end of the world and even until then. but i knew i couldn't be selfish. there are so many people out there, willing to love you, willing to love you back until all of their needs pry you apart like a thawed rock.

i knew i couldn't be selfish because time is passing by. time is passing by so quickly so i let the years pass let the epochs seep through. but now i can't love anyone else. now i can't love anyone that doesn't look like you. you've ruined me, you know that. i hope you're happy. i know there are so many people who are willing to love you. i know they can love you better, love your golden hair until it turns into piss, love your smile until it turns into a scowl, love your teeth until it turns into canines. maybe kita-san would love you back. his name fits perfectly into your last name like mine would never do, all the evidences of his softness slotting into your crooked edges.

i'm trying to say goodbye.

i want to sign off. i want to retire.

let me say goodbye, [miya atsumu].

let me say goodbye. let me, let me.


End file.
